A Sad Day

I get so sad sometimes. It is strange. I think it may because of my extremely grim outlook on "love" and dating. It's difficult to feel this way about about love when everyone else my age is obsessed with the idea and are complete believers. I'm comfortable however with my views on the matter, even if they depress me, because they make sense to me. To give you a little idea of what I'm talking about, I'll show you something I wrote a few days back:

I pretend all the time. Don't you? There are so many things that we as humans long for in life. Success, respect, growth, freedom, wisdom, and love, to name a few. But if we had to choose just a few, which could we live without? 
Somehow I convinced myself that I could live without love. Not that big of a sacrifice, right? Not every kind of love, of course. I will probably always have my family's love, and for right now I am loved by a few friends, and I will always and forever be loved by my God. The love I have decided I can do without is the kind you fall into; the kind of love that everyone talks and sings about. "All you need is love!" "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return."
Why does everyone talk about it? Love love love... "I found my soul mate!" "I know there is someone out there, just for me." "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "I can't live without you." "You are my one, true love, and I will never leave you." These are words I have heard someone say to someone else, words I have said to someone, or words someone has said to me. So where does that leave me? Confused, cautious, and bitter. Just because people say that love exists, that love is real, doesn't mean that it is. Where do I look to in order to find the truth about love? Marriage/divorce statistics, parent's marriage, my past experiences with love? 
When I talk to people about my new views on love and marriage and me staying single, they rarely agree and think I'm being silly and that I'm just bitter. Well yes, maybe I am bitter. 
Why would I open myself up again to the idea of love and finding that man, when in the past all that this has led to is extreme hurt. How could I allow another person into my life to see who I really am, my fears, my dreams, my goals, my worst faults, my everything, and therefore be completely vulnerable. How can I allow myself to fall in love and trust him with my happiness, when I can still see the scars and remember the gut wrenching pain from the last time I played this love game? 
So I pretend. Do you blame me? If I pretend I don't need love, and if I pretend that I don't care that I and without it, then I am not hurting. I don't have to wonder if he's really out there waiting for me. 
Now, having said all of this, I have to be truthful; I still have a little bit of a romantic's heart. I've tried to cut it all out, but some remains. Sometimes I remember my childhood dream of marrying Mr. Right and being a wife and mother. Sometimes I see things or watch movies that remind me of what it felt like to be held in their arms, and then I remember his hand holding mine, laughing so hard I cry at something he did, him wiping away my tears when I was afraid and gently kissing my eyelids, him singing a song to me.... and then I come back to reality when I remember where I am now. Wait. It didn't last. It didn't matter. It's over. Did it even happen, was it even real? 
And I'm back to the beginning. Love isn't real. My prince charming doesn't exist, and I'm okay with that.  

Old Blog = New Blog!

   Hey guys! I have been wanting to do some writing about things I am going through with my new life here at Texas State, so I decided to bring back the blog. And I gave it a little makeover. :-)

   This summer it feels like I did very little, however I did accomplish one thing. I took 6 hours at ACC, applied to transfer to Texas State University in San Marcos, and got in! I also moved to Kyle with my brother in early August. Classes at t-state (my shortened term for Texas State Univ.) started two days ago, on Wednesday. I am taking two required art classes for my photography major, cultural anthropology, art history of photography, and a political science/government class. In the past two days I went to all of my classes except one, which is tomorrow (I know... a Saturday class! boo), and I have loved them all. I'm sure I will love my art class tomorrow as well. I am especially excited to start really getting into the material we are learning in my anthropology class. I love the professor! He is definitely African (well, he wouldn't tell us where he is from... but I am almost positive), and I love his accent and sense of humor. If any of my mercy shipper friends are reading this; he looks a lot like Theo, but with long dreads and a longish but well trimmed beard.

   Anyway, I'm so excited that the fall semester has begun, and I am going to kick some serious scholastical butt. I know that wasn't a word, but it's okay.