Life is so crazy! I will never understand it. I have had some great days and evenings over the past few days. I have made some very nice friends, and I am very pleased about that. But somehow in the midst of all this fun and happiness, I can have a terrible day. A really terrible day. Nothing in particular sets it off either. It just starts sometime in the morning. Something inside me decides, "You are going to be depressed about this certain thing all day."
Perhaps I have too much time to think. When I walk to class and watch all of the other students pass by, many of them are on their phones talking, or texting, or listening to music. Maybe they don't have time to think and be sad because they are surrounding themselves with stimuli most of the day. You know what I'm saying? I don't know how they do it. I have thought about pulling out my cell phone, but who the hell would I call? Who are all of these people talking to? Man, I don't think I would want to constantly communicate with others anyway, even if it did prevent me from thinking about things that make me sad. So I guess I'm glad I'm not like those kids, constantly doing stuff. I like thinking. I guess I just need to start thinking about better things; things that don't make me want to cry or scream. That would be good.
It is sort of weird though, not having someone to talk to about everything. I do miss that. But I guess that is dependent and weak of me to think. I should be comfortable on my own. And I mean, I'm never alone. I have God with me every step I take. However, sometimes that is much easier to forget than to remember, and even harder to believe than to remember. I feel alone the majority of my days. Prayer? Needed.
This reminds me of a lyric from Regina Spektor's "The Consequence of Sounds"
ReplyDelete"...And we keep on paying those freaks on the TV who claim they will save us but want to enslave us and sweating like demons they scream through our speakers but we leave the sound on cause silence is harder and no one is the killer and no one's the martyr, the world that has made us can no longer contain us, and prophets are silent and running away cause the consenents and vowels - the consequence of sounds."
I agree. People are always avoiding thinking about the rough stuff in life.
Don't forget; it's not "dependent and weak" to express yourself to people. God didn't put other people on Earth to distract you from Him.
Prayers sent.
-Jake
Interesting that you wrote this,because since I have been back I have been feeling the same thing. Everyone is always just on the go,going somewhere,doing something,texting or calling someone,and I just dont get it.I mean,it would be nice to have someone to text or call whenever,but ALL the time? It leaves no time for thought,to wrestle through things that you are dealing with..I dunno,it is odd to me.
ReplyDeleteBut know that I love you,and I will be praying more for you.And I'm here,and understand some of what you're going through,okay?
Thank you to both of you. :-)
ReplyDeleteLove the quote, Jake.
Ani, thanks much for the encouraging words! Hope we can both get through all the thinking and don't conform to the world's craziness.