Lonely Times

I love my family so much, but sometimes I get a little down in the dumps when I am with all of them. Both sisters are married and one has a big family already. It's just me and my brother that are single. I'm glad I guess that I am not the only one, although I would be so happy for him if he found someone. Why are humans so obsessed with companionship? I wish I could be totally self sufficient. Just me and God, that is. But unfortunately I think of and long for some man out there who will make me happy and love me. Silly silly me. I must stop this nonsense! It's not like I am eager to jump in a relationship anyway. I am much too afraid of getting hurt again.

Doctor's appointments, Bad news, and Fields of tall, golden grass

Recently I have been quite troubled by my skin. For those of you who know me fairly well, you are probably thinking "Well come on Catherine, you're skin is always bothering you", but this recent episode of atopic dermatitis has been really bad. It is one of the worst rashes I have ever had. Red, itchy, scaley, blistering, cracking rashes all over my arms and back and neck and face. Okay, I am probably going into too much detail for some of you. I'll stop. Basically it is painful, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and keeps me from focusing on school and sleeping well. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and got steriods, the only drug that can save me. After the 6th and final day of taking the steroids my skin looked so much better was almost completely healed. Amazing! Thank goodness. Unfortunately, the atopic dermatitis came right back and got even worse. So on Thursday (Thanksgiving Day) I decided it was time to take action. I assumed these rashes were allergic reaction from a new food allergy, so I decided to cut out the thing I eat most in my diet; wheat. This year was the first Thanksgiving that I have not eaten any rolls with my turkey.
I have been on my no wheat diet for 5 days now, and my skin has not gotten any better, so I guess I just assumed that I'm not allergic to wheat after all. Because I have been so miserable and uncomfortable in my skin I went to the doctor again today and got more steroids; this steroid cycle will last 6 days longer than the last time, so 12 days total. That will be good. The doctor didn't really have an explaination for my skin rashes, but I wasn't surprised by this. She insisted I make an appointment today to see another doctor; this time an allergy doctor. I proceeded with my day, went grocery shopping and bought many healthy and organic foods (no wheat!), and then got a call from my mom saying she had scheduled an appointment for me at Sebring. The appointment was in an hour. So I shoved food in my mouth, did some self food allergy tests, took 40mg of my miracle drug, and left for another doctor.
I could go into detail about my 2nd appointment, but I don't feel like it. I was disappointed with what she, the doctor I was seeing, had to say. She didn't even think my rashes were related to my allergies at all and was insisting I go see a dermatologist in San Marcos that she knew. "It may take 6 months to get an appointment with her, but don't get discouraged, it will be worth it!" Sometimes I feel like a freakin' ping pong ball being swatted back and forth between allergy specialist to dermatologists to nutritionalists. Oh well.
After she had said all she had to say she took me outside our little room and walked me over to another door and tapped on it. "I want to see what Dr. Sebring has to say about your condition", she said to me as we waited for him to come out. "The Dr. Sebring?", I thought. I felt kind of honored to be seen by a man who is world renown (according to my mom) and does so well that he can ask for only cash payments, no insurance accepted. He opened the door and stepped out. She asked him what he thought, and he took a good look at me. He asked me how long I had had this rash, and I told him about a month, and that it was likely to be a reaction from my food allergies, but I just didn't know what food it was. He looked at my arms and shoulders,   looked me in the eyes, and told me without a spec of hesitation, "You're allergic to grains. Corn (wow, how did he know that?)  rice (again, yes), oats (...yes!), and wheat (rush of frustration, anger, and sadness overcomes me). You need to cut out all grains from your diet."
I left the doctor's office feeling somewhat optimistic about the news, for I was glad to finally hear something new that I could use to change my health for the better, but I was also extremely frustrated. I already have so many food allergies, and now I am adding wheat and all other grains to the list. Damn this sucks. Plus I just really love bread. It is so delicious! I was crying a little and felt too frustrated to drive, so I pulled over on the side of the road. It was a gorgeous evening. I sat in the tall grass that was on the side of the road. It was perfect. The breeze was blowing and the grass was bowing to the sun. It calmed me down almost immediately. I love the relationship I have with God's creation. Nature calms me so much, and brings me such peace. So I sat there. I watched the sun as it was setting and shining on the furry tips of the tall grass, casting a golden glow all around me. It was amazing.
So a discouraging day ended beautifully. Thank you, Lord.  
(And then a stranger pulled over on the side of the road where I was and got out of his car to make sure I was alright. Even though I didn't need his assistance, I really appreciated his concern. It is so encouraging to see other people's care and concern for people they don't even know. There is some good in this world after all.)

A Change of Heart?

I really wish that sleeping was not necessary. I sleep so much every day. I would have so much more time if I didn't, and I would probably get so many more things done. Whenever I have a day to myself I am usually disappointed at the end of that day, because none or very few of my goals were accomplished. I wanted to make potato soup, take a shower, clean my room, do laundry, write my paper, read my text book, and spend time with God. That really isn't an absurd amount of things to do from 1pm till bedtime, which is around midnight, but even if I accomplished half of those things I would be proud of myself. But what what did I end up doing? Falling asleep (for 3 hours) as I read my textbook, spending probably around a total of 5 hours on Facebook throughout the day, and maybe making a sandwich or cooking some mac n cheese for myself. I would love to manage my time better. I think I would be so much happier if I did. HELP. I need one of those life coaches or something! Just kidding. That's lame. I just need self discipline.

Also, on a different note: It is funny how I can go months being completely content and sure of myself in my current "status" in life, and then suddenly, I am not so sure. Is this really what is best for me? Did I really choose to be single for a year or more for the reasons I say I have? Am I actually learning and benefiting from this time like I hoped I would? Who knows. I'll have to think on this.

Although I am in no way perfect and life is even less perfect, I am loving every second of it. Even the moments I am crying and desperate, it is great. My friends are wonderful, God's creation is astoundingly beautiful, and He loves me so much. I just wish I could love others and myself half as much as He loves us. Tomorrow I'll be talking to kids on campus about Jesus (for the second time!), and I'm excited. I am definitely not comfortable evangelizing, but I want to push myself out of my comfort zone. Hopefully it goes well, and I am sure I will learn something new.

One Large Step

   So, I decided to take the first real step towards healing tonight. Apparently it was the right decision. Unfortunately I cannot sleep right now because of the emotional state this step towards healing has put me in. I'm hugely upset right now, but that's only natural, right? Right. Well, here's to moving on. Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. It can't get any worse than this, can it? That is debatable actually.
   What an odd week that has already been! Surprise test, a good old fashioned pep talk about the past being only the past, and a new found hatred of all things warm and fluffy.
  

College Update

I hate it when I accidentally miss classes! I don't feel too comfortable with missing, because, well, I feel like I probably missed something important and valuable. Plus I am blessed to have my parents be able to pay tuition for me, and I don't want to waste a dime of their money. But I accidentally slept in this morning and woke up nine minutes after my class had started. I swore, slapped my forehead, and hopped out of bed. Got ready, checked my facebook, and was about to get some food when I realized it takes me an hour to get to class every morning, and I have an 11am class. It was 10:20. Damn! Missed that one too. Disappointment. Uhg.
Oh well. What's done is done. I will try and make the most of this accidental skip class day and this extra time I now have. As soon as my profs post their lectures online after class I can go check them out and take notes from them. Hopefully my grades won't be hurt by these few missed classes.
Speaking of grades, they are definitely not too bad. I am proud of myself. And when I apply myself even more to my studies (I recently have been having a hard time balancing socializing with studying time), As all the way baby. I have a very low A in anthropology, an A in posi, an A in 2D design (my saturday class), a high B in my basic drawing class (this class is very challenging for me to get As in, prof grades hard), and a B in my art history class (this should come up to an A hopefully). So yeah. I'm smart, what's up.

Alone

   Life is so crazy! I will never understand it. I have had some great days and evenings over the past few days. I have made some very nice friends, and I am very pleased about that. But somehow in the midst of all this fun and happiness, I can have a terrible day. A really terrible day. Nothing in particular sets it off either. It just starts sometime in the morning. Something inside me decides, "You are going to be depressed about this certain thing all day."
   Perhaps I have too much time to think. When I walk to class and watch all of the other students pass by, many of them are on their phones talking, or texting, or listening to music. Maybe they don't have time to think and be sad because they are surrounding themselves with stimuli most of the day. You know what I'm saying? I don't know how they do it. I have thought about pulling out my cell phone, but who the hell would I call? Who are all of these people talking to? Man, I don't think I would want to constantly communicate with others anyway, even if it did prevent me from thinking about things that make me sad. So I guess I'm glad I'm not like those kids, constantly doing stuff. I like thinking. I guess I just need to start thinking about better things; things that don't make me want to cry or scream. That would be good.
   It is sort of weird though, not having someone to talk to about everything. I do miss that. But I guess that is dependent and weak of me to think. I should be comfortable on my own. And I mean, I'm never alone. I have God with me every step I take. However, sometimes that is much easier to forget than to remember, and even harder to believe than to remember. I feel alone the majority of my days. Prayer? Needed.

College sucks the money out of you

I am so broke, so very broke. My card got denied legitimately at the register for the first time tonight.
I should have made better decisions with my money this summer. Maybe I should get a job after all. I guess I'll see how these first few weeks go and after the first group of exams I'll see how I handled my load of classes, and if it wasn't too difficult or time consuming, then I know I can afford to get a job.
Oh well. No groceries for me this month! I have even been driving incredibly slowly recently in order to conserve gas. It's awful. It's like I'm not even the same person anymore! 80 mph or faster are usually my happy place on the road. Now I'm rollin' along I35 going 65 mph.
 

A Sad Day

I get so sad sometimes. It is strange. I think it may because of my extremely grim outlook on "love" and dating. It's difficult to feel this way about about love when everyone else my age is obsessed with the idea and are complete believers. I'm comfortable however with my views on the matter, even if they depress me, because they make sense to me. To give you a little idea of what I'm talking about, I'll show you something I wrote a few days back:

I pretend all the time. Don't you? There are so many things that we as humans long for in life. Success, respect, growth, freedom, wisdom, and love, to name a few. But if we had to choose just a few, which could we live without? 
Somehow I convinced myself that I could live without love. Not that big of a sacrifice, right? Not every kind of love, of course. I will probably always have my family's love, and for right now I am loved by a few friends, and I will always and forever be loved by my God. The love I have decided I can do without is the kind you fall into; the kind of love that everyone talks and sings about. "All you need is love!" "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return."
Why does everyone talk about it? Love love love... "I found my soul mate!" "I know there is someone out there, just for me." "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "I can't live without you." "You are my one, true love, and I will never leave you." These are words I have heard someone say to someone else, words I have said to someone, or words someone has said to me. So where does that leave me? Confused, cautious, and bitter. Just because people say that love exists, that love is real, doesn't mean that it is. Where do I look to in order to find the truth about love? Marriage/divorce statistics, parent's marriage, my past experiences with love? 
When I talk to people about my new views on love and marriage and me staying single, they rarely agree and think I'm being silly and that I'm just bitter. Well yes, maybe I am bitter. 
Why would I open myself up again to the idea of love and finding that man, when in the past all that this has led to is extreme hurt. How could I allow another person into my life to see who I really am, my fears, my dreams, my goals, my worst faults, my everything, and therefore be completely vulnerable. How can I allow myself to fall in love and trust him with my happiness, when I can still see the scars and remember the gut wrenching pain from the last time I played this love game? 
So I pretend. Do you blame me? If I pretend I don't need love, and if I pretend that I don't care that I and without it, then I am not hurting. I don't have to wonder if he's really out there waiting for me. 
Now, having said all of this, I have to be truthful; I still have a little bit of a romantic's heart. I've tried to cut it all out, but some remains. Sometimes I remember my childhood dream of marrying Mr. Right and being a wife and mother. Sometimes I see things or watch movies that remind me of what it felt like to be held in their arms, and then I remember his hand holding mine, laughing so hard I cry at something he did, him wiping away my tears when I was afraid and gently kissing my eyelids, him singing a song to me.... and then I come back to reality when I remember where I am now. Wait. It didn't last. It didn't matter. It's over. Did it even happen, was it even real? 
And I'm back to the beginning. Love isn't real. My prince charming doesn't exist, and I'm okay with that.  

Old Blog = New Blog!

   Hey guys! I have been wanting to do some writing about things I am going through with my new life here at Texas State, so I decided to bring back the blog. And I gave it a little makeover. :-)

   This summer it feels like I did very little, however I did accomplish one thing. I took 6 hours at ACC, applied to transfer to Texas State University in San Marcos, and got in! I also moved to Kyle with my brother in early August. Classes at t-state (my shortened term for Texas State Univ.) started two days ago, on Wednesday. I am taking two required art classes for my photography major, cultural anthropology, art history of photography, and a political science/government class. In the past two days I went to all of my classes except one, which is tomorrow (I know... a Saturday class! boo), and I have loved them all. I'm sure I will love my art class tomorrow as well. I am especially excited to start really getting into the material we are learning in my anthropology class. I love the professor! He is definitely African (well, he wouldn't tell us where he is from... but I am almost positive), and I love his accent and sense of humor. If any of my mercy shipper friends are reading this; he looks a lot like Theo, but with long dreads and a longish but well trimmed beard.

   Anyway, I'm so excited that the fall semester has begun, and I am going to kick some serious scholastical butt. I know that wasn't a word, but it's okay.

Only a few weeks left...

I go home soon.

It's so strange to think about. I'm very excited to go home, but sad to leave. I think I'm ready, but at the same time I'm a little scared.

I'll be needing some prayer if anyone is looking for someone to pray for. :-) Thanks!

pictures from me teaching about percussion in music class, eating (or pointing to) delicious food on easter morning, singing in choir, playing djembe in choir, me with my dining room team, and some of my wonderful dining room day volunteers (all but Antoine)

April

It is now April, and I only have one month left here on the ship. It's definitely a very bitter sweet realization. I'm very excited to leave and go back to Texas, but so sad to leave these people and my home. I will miss every one on this ship dearly, especially my gateway family. BUT, it isn't May yet! So let's not talk of this.

Much has happened since I last blogged, obviously, since I am a terrible blogger. My life has taken a turn and is probably going in a much different direction than I was expecting. I could say this in many more words and tell you a long story, but in short, I am single. If you didn't know, I was dating this great guy for a year. So that happened. It has been very difficult to deal with, but fortunately I have an amazing God looking out for me, and he basically took a hold of me and wrapped his arms around me. I never saw it coming. I never knew God could give me such comfort. So yeah, things have changed a bit for me. I'm a little scared of how open my future is, how many paths there are for me to take, and of my new independence, but I hope and pray God will guide me through this.

Another new thing: I am now team leader of my dining room team, which basically just means I'm supposed to tell everyone what to do and makes me responsible for mistakes we make. It's been difficult, and it is stressful to say the least. I get discouraged often and feel as though I don't do a very good job. However, my team is amazing. It's always changing because people always come and go on the ship, but everyone that is and has been on my team is great. Sometimes communication between people of different countries/languages is difficult, but it's fun and interesting. :-) And my day volunteers are incredible. Mary Lou, my boss, always told us we would be blessed more by the day volunteers than we would ever imagine, and she was right. Geraldo, Antoine, Bona, and Antony are not only fantastic workers, but they are also great men of faith. They are so encouraging, and so so fun.

Easter weekend was fantastic on the ship. I played djembe early in the morning on Sunday for the sunrise service on deck 8 and later sang in the choir in church service. Congressman Louie Gohmert visited on the ship for about a week, and he gave the message at the service. He delivered a very good message, and it was good to hear a Texan speak again with a slow Texan twang. Then we had our easter brunch, which was so ridiculously amazing, words cannot describe it. I'm talking about the food. It was wonderful.

Love it

Let me give you a bit of an overall update to this point of what this time here has been for me:

Serving with Mercy Ships and working on the Africa Mercy has been a wonderful experience. It has been challenging and eye opening. Everyone told me before I came that this would be a life changing experience and an adventure. I’m not sure what I expected. I think I thought it would be something huge and dramatic and adventurous, but it wasn’t at all what I expected. It was depressing, difficult, and humiliating. But through these challenges and other people’s help came a great and new understanding of myself and of God. I now know exactly why God brought me here, and I am so happy to be here. It’s my home now.

I love this ship, this community. I don't think there is another one like it. There are so many different types of people here, and I would have never met any of them had I not come here. Unfortunately I don't really have the words to fully explain what I mean. Point is, I love it.

Well dang, that was fast! One day I am working in hospitality thinking I'm going to be there for a while, and the next day I'm in dining room. The day before yesterday I was handed a transfer sheet and told that Mary Lou, my new boss, needed to sign it. Then I find out later that day that I start in the dining room at 6am the next day.
So, yesterday was my first day! It went well. The job is very different. It is pretty labor intensive at times. I have learned how to make the coffee, drinks, put out spreads, use the bread slicer machine, and use the dish washers.

I am so bad at this. Blogging. You all obviously have realized this by now. I am very sorry. I have now been on the ship for 2 months and 5 days. Christmas has passed, my family and Will came to the ship to visit and left, my 20th birthday has come and gone, and our time in Tenerife is coming to a close. We are sailing to Togo, West Africa on Sunday, Jan. 31st. Less than a week now!
After we arrived to Tenerife about a month ago many of the crew members left for holiday, so the ship crew was much smaller than usual. Also, work was much more difficult. Because the head hostess in hospitality left for her holiday, I took her place for about a month. It wasn't too difficult until Kathy went on vacation too, and then I was supposed to be in charge. Not really "in charge" though, because the other hostesses don't need to be told what to do, but when other crew members from other departments had questions or problems they would walk into the office, look at me in confusion and ask where Kathy was, then when hearing she was on holiday would inquire who was taking her place in hospitality, I would smile/grimace and say, "Me?". I think they were usually pretty disappointed, but I answered their questions as west I could. :-) I tried. I was very very glad when Kathy, my wonderful boss, returned.
Now that Roses and Kathy are both here again, and I have my new team that I love very much, things are going very well. The hospitality team had an almost complete turnover after we got to Tenerife. Four of the team left, so it was just me, Lyndsay, and Kathy for awhile. But we got three new wonderful and sweet girls on the team. I am so happy with the team! Unfortunately, my time in that team may not be long. Because of my allergies to teh chemicals in the cleaners, I am not very useful. It's been decided that it would just be better overall, for my health and for the team, that I be transferred to another department. That was decided about a month ago and nothing has come of it yet because of transferring complications, but we shall see.
So there we go. That is my update to you on work for now. I could say much more, but I don't want to overwhelm you with information. I don't blog very often and then when I do the blog is like seven pages long. Not good. Hopefully I can piece it up a bit for you guys.